Beauty and the Homunculus
by Penelope Jadewing
Summary: Some will tell the tale of two hidden beauties that fell in love. Others would hiss of two beasts that dragged each other to ruin. No one knew how the tale truly ended. But either way, there is still that great lesson of Beauty and the Beast - that a thing (no matter how ugly or unwanted) must be loved before it is lovable. EnvyxOC. Envy's POV. Brotherhood universe.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Yeah, so this is my first strictly FMA fanfic... Also my first time attempting to write Envy. In first person. This is gonna be interesting. I really hope he's not OOC, 'cause I like his character and I hope I didn't butcher him. XP This will contain OCs and AU material eventually. I consider it my duty as a fangirl to give happy endings to the characters that I feel should have gotten one. Envy is one of those characters, in my opinion.**

**This also might possibly contain spoilers for Brotherhood in later chapters, depending on how it goes.**

**Let me know what you think. If I need to fix anything (especially character accuracy), feel free to tell me in a review and I'll see what I can do! :D Hope you enjoy!**

**~Penelope**

* * *

"Out of here, slut!"

So, stalking the pipsqueak and his tin can was always fun, sure. But it was a little hard to do when some random shop owner literally chucked a girl off his store steps straight into your arms. I have to admit, while I'm not usually caught off guard, I was then and didn't exactly enjoy collapsing onto the dusty road in a heap.

Stupid guy; did humans always disregard the personal safety of random passersby by randomly throwing a person over them?

"I don't ever want to see your face in here again!" the shop owner raged before he stalked back into his building, slamming his shop door behind him with the harsh jangle of obnoxious bells. Cheery fellow, eh?

If only I could give away my identity at the moment; that human would regret crossing a homunculus, and me, Envy, in particular.

Besides, who just up and threw a person anyway?

Actually… I probably shouldn't ask that.

Speak of the person, the girl – well, woman, actually, if I wanted to be particular, but who was particular? – scrambled to shove herself off me and ended up dumping me back in the dirt in the process. I knocked my head back against the road. Uh, ow?

"I am _so_ sorry!" she sputtered, grabbing my arm and dragging me to my feet without my consent. "I-I didn't mean…"

Didn't mean to? Pah! As if she had a choice. It's not as if she threw herself out of that shop. Why the heck was she apologizing to me? It was all I could do not to shake my head at the ridiculous compulsions humans seemed to possess. Like apologizing for circumstances they themselves had no control over.

"Hey, relax," I said as nonchalantly as I could, while at the same time, glancing down the road to try and spot my quarry. Unfortunately, it looked like the Elrics had disappeared down some side street. Dang. Now I had to find them all over again. It had taken me ages to track them down to Rush Valley!

Burning down this stupid – what was it, a barber's? – shop in the dead of night was seeming all the more appealing. Why did humans need a shop to get their hair cut in, anyway? Why couldn't the guy just go to their houses? Or cut hair in his living room? I mean, who needed a barber _shop_?

"Not your fault," I continued to placate the redhead – actually, the _really_ redhead. Boy, she looked like a matchstick. It was almost unnatural. Come to think of it, I really didn't see too many redheads around. Hmm, never thought of that before… I wonder why that is.

So, wait, that guy called her 'slut'. With her long sleeved turtleneck, simple leather slacks, and loose black vest, and her hair in a chaste braid, she really didn't _look _like one. Unless, for some reason, humans – wait a sec, she was wearing a _turtleneck_ and a _black vest_ in a _desert_?

What the heck?

She didn't really notice my look of befuddlement; she actually seemed a bit distracted, rubbing her wrists and fidgeting as she looked me over. "You're all dusty…"

That was sort of a 'no duh' statement, but I managed to hold my tongue. Really, I had to congratulate myself. Normally, I couldn't go this long without some sort of sarcastic comment or barbed prodding at _somebody_, but that might've just been because of my trying to act normal. Yeah, that was probably it.

I looked down at my disguise – a lanky teen in baggy cargos, sneakers, white tank and jean vest. True enough, dust marked a good portion of my clothes, and I could feel it lining the back of my arms and neck, sifting through the roots of my artificial short blond hair. Yeck. Without really thinking about it, I started dusting myself off.

"It would seem I am," I muttered.

"Here, let me help." She 'aided' me by swiping the dust off my arms and back. With what the store owner called her, I half-expected some flirty finger brushes or something, but she actually avoided anything awkward and left brushing off the dirt on my pants to me.

Strange. But I suppose that's just humans, eh?

"Um… Is there… I mean, can I make it up to you, or…? Something? You could… I don't know, come for dinner or something."

Now, I didn't think she was being funny. Honestly, my disguise had to be at least three years younger than she looked. And with those haggard lines under her sharp green eyes, she looked even older, so I dunno, maybe that was throwing me off. She seemed flustered still, but not surprised, or even embarrassed. Maybe a little exasperated. Maybe a little hurried.

"We don't have much, but maybe it could make up for landing on you…"

Again, as if she had a choice… Wait, 'we'? Who the heck was 'we'?

"Um…" I looked down the street again. No, the Elric brothers were long gone. I'd have to find them again… but dinner did sound nice. And if my intel was correct, the pipsqueak was here for some repairs on his automail, so he'd probably be here for a while. At least for the night. Especially since his girly friend lived and worked here and would probably insist. And even if they did leave before then, I could always hunt down that pretty blonde and erm… _persuade_ her to kindly let me know where her little friends (okay, so only one of them was really 'little') were headed.

"Sure," I finally said, plastering a smile over my face. Sometimes a little sickening sweetness was just enough to make humans think you were enthusiastic about something.

But her return smile was hesitated, and stiff. She noticed. Hm, so she wasn't one of those 'friendly' types.

She didn't say anything else before she started trudging down the crowded street. And when I say crowded, I mean, _crowded_. Rush Valley certainly wasn't a tourist hotspot for nothing. For whatever reason, normal people had a fascination with the abnormal, and it seemed that included a whole town full of people sporting automail prosthetics. Both locals and visitors littered the street like a parade or something.

The morbid thought of all those automail limbs simultaneously combusting and turning the lively crowds into piles of corpses crossed my mind and made me grin. Now, that would be a sight indeed. Although, it was never as fun when something _interesting_ like that happened and I wasn't behind it… So, maybe they wouldn't combust. I'd just blow them all up.

Yeah. That's it.

Rather quickly, we left the busy business area and came to a neighborhood up along one of the bluffs that surrounded the area. Most of the houses were modest in size with tin or flat roofs and bright painted doors. They were in pretty good condition; after all, in a tourist town full of greasy freaks, you'd want to keep your neighborhoods nice and attractive. Humans had a knack for the superficial.

But as they went further into the shadow of the bluff, the houses got poorer looking, and it didn't take long for me to get that we were now in the slums. My eyebrows rose as the neat little dollhouses were replaced by rusty dusty shacks and lean-tos. They weren't all bad… power lines swung between them all and some decent vehicles parked outside some of them, but that might've been just because this town seemed to be obsessed with the mechanical. Some apparently took better care of their cars than their houses.

How stupid.

At a particularly small house, the lady turned and headed for the door. Before she got there, she stopped in her tracks, almost making me run into her back.

She glanced over her shoulder. "Say, kid, what's your name?"

Kid. Ha! At 140-plus years old? She only wished.

"En…" I sputtered to a halt and clamped my mouth shut. Crud, that was stupid. Uuummmm… name? What was my name, my alias?

She raised an eyebrow at me.

"Uh… N." That worked, didn't it? Odd, granted, but there were strange parents out there who named their kids strange names. Strange names like Envy, Lust, and Gluttony. Unfortunately, those particular names might be recognized, so I kinda had to stick with something… inconspicuous.

"N, huh? Interesting." Her eyebrows furrowed. "My name's Anita."

Anita. Okay, I will log that away for later impersonation.

I could hear the trickling sound of music even before she opened the door, but when she did so, it got all the louder. With the occasional 'pop-pop' from the record needle, what sounded like an orchestra lulled out an eerie melody of wind instruments and French horns. When a woman's youthful falsetto began singing, a naturally young voice joined it.

"_There is a castle on a cloud_

_I like to go there in my sleep_

_Aren't any floors for me to sweep_

_Not in my castle on the cloud_

_There is a room that's full of toys_

_There are a hundred boys and girls_

_Nobody shouts or talks too loud_

_Not in my castle on a cloud_

_There is a lady all in white_

_Holds me and sings a lullaby_

_She's nice to see and she's soft to touch_

_She says 'Cosette' _(the real kid inserted 'Christian') _I love you very much.'_

_I know a place where no one's lost_

_I know a place where no one cries_

_Crying at all is not allowed_

_Not in my castle on a cloud.*"_

Anita had crept in as the orchestra continued and the boy – it was obviously a boy by the name, but a little one by the difficulty telling just by the voice – kept humming along. Ha, how quaint. Really, humans were too cute sometimes. To think that neither of these people had any idea that they'd let a homunculus into their shabby little home! Maybe I'd have some fun this evening after all. Sure, it was only two… but I could probably dent a few houses nearby as well and then get out before the coppers showed up.

"You're playing that again, Chris?" Anita leaned on the doorframe of what looked like a kitchen, dining room, and living room all in one. Due to my falsified height, I didn't even have to stand on my toes to see over her shoulder.

In the middle of the room, a little kid with big green eyes and coal-black hair sat cross-legged, sliding two ragged model battleships across the floor. They were metal, by the rust; didn't this lady know that if those things cut the boy, he'd die of tetanus? Obviously not.

The kid looked up with his bright eyes and blinked at us like an owl. He blushed and ducked his head. "Yes, mommy…"

D'aw, how adorable humans were. Bleck. I tried not to cringe too much.

"It's your favorite isn't it?" With a smile in her voice, Anita crossed the room to the offending record player and turned it off as the song switched.

"Yes, it is." Fiddling with one of his ships, the kid – Christian – stared up at me with curiosity that it seemed only kids could pull off. You could drown in the wonder of a single kid's stare. Not when they were dead, though. Wonder didn't matter when your soul left your body and your eyes stared unseeing at empty air.

Unfortunately, kids were also a lot more intuitive than adults. It was like humans were smarter when they were younger and then something along the way made them incredibly stupid. And that was why Christian's thin eyebrows swooped in a frown and he scrambled to his feet, scampering over to his mother. Or at least, I was assuming she was his mother – though, I didn't see any wedding ring or signs of a man's presence in the house. No, everything was too clean and, well, girly. Typical, though; probably another broken family to add to the endless list. Pathetic.

"Mommy…" the boy whimpered, tugging at her vest. "Who's that?"

"Hm?" Anita glanced down and then back at me. "Oh, that's Mr. N. He's staying for dinner!"

Mr.? Well, that was new! I'd never been called 'Mr.' before. A human with manners! Quite the change from that rude little pipsqueak. I gave the kid a casual wave, hoping to put him at ease. It would be no fun if he got his pretty mummy suspicious of me.

Christian hid behind his mom's leg, peering at me with one eye and a pouty lip. I snickered.

"Sweetie, let me go so I can make dinner," Anita chuckled, oblivious to our interaction. It really was funny how ignorant humans were. She patted the kid's head and went over to the small kitchen corner. "Please, N, take a seat, make yourself comfortable." She paused on the other side of the corner, making a face. "And again, I'm sorry for landing on you."

I shrugged as I flopped down onto the overstuffed couch, spreading my arms out over the back. "No problem. No permanent harm done." Besides, if I were Greed (the traitorous wretch), having a pretty thing like her land on top of me would actually be quite enjoyable.

But only if I were Greed. He acted like a human. It made me sick.

It didn't take long for the smell of some sort of salted meat and vegetables to start wafting around the house. Christian crept back to his ships, and stared up at me with those big eyes. I stared back, and raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Why do you have a letter name?"

A letter name? So, kids' intuition was paid for in grammar skills and comprehension. Equivalent exchange? "Um… because my parents named me that." Why else was a human named anything?

"Oh… My name's Christian."

"That's… nice." Really, it was hard to act normal around a kid. I seriously didn't want to keep this up for long…

"How'd you meet my mom?"

I blinked. "Um… long story."

"Mommy says that whenever she doesn't want to explain."

I laughed harshly. Intuition indeed. "Does she, now?"

"Yeah. How old are you?"

Look at this, I was getting the third degree from a toddler. "Um, eighteen." Close enough estimation for my disguise, I'd say.

"I'm four."

"Wow," I said without enthusiasm.

"Mommy's twenty."

Oh, so she wasn't as old as she looked. Wow… wait… Holy… she was sixteen when she had the kid? Did humans usually marry that young? I mean, they usually recommended marriage before kids, right?

That store owner and his parting words rung through my head. Maybe there was some merit to that…

But this really didn't look like a harlot's den. Especially with a four-year-old? Maybe she did her business elsewhere…

Suddenly, the situation seemed a bit more awkward than before. Oh, well. I was gonna kill them anyway; might as well pretend like I didn't know anything and let them have a nice last meal.

Or, at least, that's what I had planned. Until somebody pounded on the door, and then barged right in.

Oh, crud. Cops.

And some guy in a tacky suit. A fat guy. He looked like a well-dressed bowling ball, actually. I tried not to snicker.

Anita almost dropped the pan she was carrying over to the counter, and gingerly set it down before stomping around the island to confront them. "What do you think you're doing!?"

"What I should have done years ago, my dear," oozed the fat man with a sick smile that seemed pretty familiar. Oh, right, that was _my _smile, _my_ thing. He didn't do it justice. He waved a piece of yellow paper in Anita's face. "Now get out."

"E-Evicted!? Wha – no!"

Ooh, now this was interesting. I hid my smirk behind a hand. I felt Christian's eyes on me, and tried my best to look concerned.

"Yesssss, deary," Fatty sing-songed. "You haven't paid your rent in two months!"

"I can't very well pay my rent if I don't have a job!" Anita snapped, and I clenched my teeth to keep from laughing. Oh, look, there was the sound of the noose tightening around her pretty little neck!

"Of course! And you can't very well live in another man's house if you don't pay the rent! Now OUT! Before I have my officer friends _drag_ you out."

Humans were so petty, weren't they? Throwing somebody out of a house for being poor. Actually, living in a house that didn't belong to them in the first place! If Anita just made herself a decent living and got her own place, she wouldn't be in this situation. Even less so if she hadn't gone and had a kid, an extra mouth to feed, not to mention another human on this planet without a decent family. Contributing to the issues of the future – intelligent.

"You have to let me gather my things!" the woman blurted, losing some of her fury to anxiety. How amusing.

"Oh, no, your things belong to me now, too. See, you haven't paid your rent or utilities OR my loans. The bank is transferring your assets over to me to pay your debts – which means everything under this roof except for you, your brat, and your latest toy."

Toy? I frowned. What made him think I was this human's toy? Oh, right… I was sitting in a prostitute's house. Doi.

"No! You can't do this!" Anita clutched her kid's hand when he hid beside her.

"Can and am! Get her out of here; the new renters are ready to move in."

Woooowww, and she even had to leave her dinner on the stove! The new renters just got free food! Is this how humans always dealt with situations like these?

"All right, out!" an officer bellowed and marched up to Anita. He grabbed her arm, and threw her toward the door.

All right. I figured it was time to make my big reveal, considering I was getting bored. It was so cliché, it was physically painful. Both sides were to blame and humans were just so disgustingly corrupted. I'd fix this right quick.

"Okay, fellas," I drawled, standing up and putting my hands on my hips with a smirk. "Pay close attention now."

"N, what are you doing?" Anita breathed, frowning, while the officers just glared at me for interrupting.

"Actually, girly, the name's Envy the Jealous. I'm a-"

"It's one of the homunculi that the military's on the lookout for!" one of the other officers blurted. "That's the name – Envy!"

"Homunculi? They're just ghost stories!" Fatty grumped.

I cackled. "Ooh, ghost stories, that's a new one! Don't you know that most stories base off some sort of truth?" With that and a relieved sigh, I shapeshifted back into the form I _preferred_. The attractive one. It felt good to get out of the dusty cargos and denim; humans really chose the most cumbersome clothing.

As my long, dark hair fell back over my shoulders, I snickered and gave a mock bow. "A pleasure, I'm sure. For now, though, I think you officers are being awful unfair. Kicking a poor girl out of her home, tsk, tsk."

"You can't be serious!" the fat one sputtered.

"Shut up, tubby. You're just as bad. You humans really are pathetic, you know? You squabble over pointless little things like money and debts and past slights – what does that do for you, eh? I'd say it kills." Breaking false bones, I stretched my other pair of arms out of my ribcage, making some of the officers gasp and shudder. Oh, yes, I liked that sound, the sound of rising fear. I slammed my four hands into the floor, digging my claws into the old wood and feeling myself rise. My skin turned green. Oh, I loved doing this. The look of shock and terror on peoples' faces was absolutely priceless!

True enough, as I rose to break through the ceiling into the second floor, all the humans in the house scrambled to get out and stumbled into the street. I unleashed my signature roar, and relished in the sound of their screams. Oh, YES! This feeling! This feeling of power! I FED on it! I LIVED off it! The knowledge that those gazing upon me – humans – were trembling in their shoes, their bones rattling, their hearts failing them, and I was the one causing it! I! ME! All me! Puny humans, with their guns and armies and advanced weaponry and still they shook in fear at the mere sight of me! PATHETIC!

"That's right!" I bellowed, laughing. "Quake in fear, tiny beings!" With one lurch, the house fell apart under me, and the nearby houses tumbled and dented when I brushed past them.

"Heaven have mercy!" Fatty squealed and then began running – well, as much as a human of his size can run – back toward the city. Several officers followed suit – cowards! They didn't even try opening fire!

"Look at that, tubby!" I called after them, my voice shattering nearby windows. I LOVED this! "Now you don't have to worry about your debt and investment in this tiny little house! Neither do you, girly! Problem solved! BOTH of you lose!"

Christian was crying. A pathetic mess of tears that only human children could sink to. I didn't bothering holding back my laughter anymore.

"Cry away, kid! Tears won't do nothing for you! You'd better learn real quick that this life you're living? It's cruel! Heartless! Unfair! That is what it means to be human, isn't it? The military preaches 'equivalent exchange' like a prayer, but that's really not what this world revolves around, is it?" I crushed a house under my feet, and toppled another with one swing of my tail. "NO! Everyone SUFFERS! Everyone DIES! The past, the wrongs, the deaths rule the present and the future! THAT is life's truth!"

"Monster!" one of the last remaining officers shouted, and fired at the wailing faces that groped from my hide. I felt the searing pain and snarled, but soon felt the soothing warmth of my regeneration.

Upon seeing that, they fled, along with the potential renters. Only Anita and the brat remained, and she was staring up at me with a strange look on her face.

"What are you looking at?" I snapped, leaning down to their level. "I'd say it's your turn to run."

Without saying a word, she grabbed the boy's hand and started after the others at a jog. I chortled, and began shrinking back to my preferred form. As I did so, I couldn't help but notice that she kept looking back with a deep frown on her face.

Looking back? Why was she looking back like that? Nobody ever looked back at me – nobody ever wanted to! I was hideous, wasn't I? Hideous and terrifying. People ran for their lives, too concerned for their own skin to even think about looking back.

Why would she look back?

* * *

_*Castle on a Cloud, Les Miserables_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Shout-out to those who reviewed, FMABEnvy and Somebody (the guest; unfortunately, the reviews page doesn't even show that I got that one...), and those who favorited/followed, Corrupted Kestrel, highway country 1994, natcool9, Nizuna Fujieda, and xxDiZzYxDrEaMeRxx! Thanks a bunch; I'm glad that you liked my story enough to do so! :D I hope you'll stay tuned and continue to enjoy and review!**

**~Penelope**

* * *

So I was curious! Nothing more. Honestly. Could you really blame me? Some call me a sadist. I may or may not find the teensiest bit of euphoria at the idea of causing mayhem. And when I cause it, I usually like to see how it plays out. Don't get me wrong, I kept my eyes on the pipsqueak and his brother, but I kept my other eye on Anita and her brat.

Or tried, anyway. It's not like I could be both places at once, as cool as that would be. But unfortunately, duplication wasn't among my plethora of talents. I managed to figure out between sightings that Anita got the first job – or maybe it wasn't the first, but it was the first place she went to after I destroyed that dinky little house – she could get her hands on, as a barmaid at a popular local joint near the center of the town. The inn above it was where she settled in with little Christian. In a tiny little room with a single bed and trundle.

I am not a stalker. I am an _investigator_. I _investigated_ via their window, disguised as a blackbird. And boy did they seem miserable. Christian stayed at home, humming that silly lullaby and going through tear fits like his mother went through tissues when she thought no one was looking. Typical humans.

Well… okay, so Anita was stronger than she looked. At least she didn't spend _all_ her free time bawling her eyes out or anything. She sucked it up and threw herself into her duties and didn't even flinch when the bar manager treated her like trash. Obviously, just because she'd finally gotten a job didn't mean her boss had to be happy about it. He was probably just desperate for the help – or the company of a pretty young thing like Anita, but whatever.

On the first night, I watched through her window as she examined the skimpy uniform she would be required to wear for work. She spent most of that night sewing a pair of elbow-length, fingerless gloves to match as best she could; she used fabric from the vest she was wearing the day I met her (you'll recall that she left that house with nothing more than the clothes on her back and the brat on her heels).

Boy, they had it bad, didn't they? It had been a long time since I saw a human in such a miserable situation.

Not that I pitied them. It was free entertainment, and more than the Elrics could provide at the moment. The pipsqueak was fun to rile up, but bored me to tears when all he did was sit there while his girly friend twisted some bolts here and there.

Interesting stuff happened around this lady, so I stuck nearby. Just in case.

Sure enough, Anita seemed to be a trouble magnet. It was only two days in, and I, extremely unstimulated as I was by lack of excitement, lounged on the black awning that marked the entrance to the bar as the town fell into late evening. The sun had retreated behind the bluffs, and this was the time when the bar really got most of its business, its party-hardies. The nightcrawlers, the creepy-crawlies came out to hoard in the more unsavory parts of town like the parasites they were; they flocked to establishments like these like bugs to a bare light bulb.

Silly Anita, picking one of the most popular bars in Rush Valley.

She'd gone to get something from a neighboring shop – a syrup of some sort? – and I watched her short black skirt swish with her steps. I couldn't help but close my eyes as Greed-like thoughts swarmed me. I could almost hear what he'd say about now.

_I call first dibs._

_Second's not so bad; she'll put up less of a fight for you._

_Come on, live a little, Envy!_

"Shut up," I muttered, flicking nothing off my arm into the night air. I imagined doing that to his face, and smirked. Yeah, let me chain that pervert to a post, see how long it takes me to break him down. I knew plenty of torture methods – it was what I did, after all. Xingese methods were the most fun. Water torture, bamboo sprouts, the lot of it… Yeah, that'd be fun. And then he'd just regenerate, and we'd start all over again.

Or I'd just settle for being able to flick him in the eye a few times.*

Like an animal catching a whiff of fear, I almost knew something was going to happen before it did. Anita came back toward the bar, and then a couple of drunks stumbled out of the door under my awning, blocking her path. I instantly knew this was going to get nasty.

They slurred and staggered as they spoke (I don't really recall what they said), and next thing I knew, they'd dragged her into the nearest alley with a hand clamped over her mouth when she tried screaming.

Now, I don't mind seeing people suffer. But… something about this just… rubbed me the wrong way. It disgusted me, and I couldn't just sit there and listen to them. So, I had two choices – jump up onto the roofs and vanish into the night to find something else to occupy my time… or stick around, and stop them.

The first option would spare my reputation, but it would also result in extended boredom. The latter option provided me with further entertainment, but risked me seeming like a nice guy.

Eh. I could deal with nice guy now and then. I hated being bored.

They didn't even look up when I dropped off the side of the building and landed behind them. One had Anita pinned to the wall with his free hand wandering where it really shouldn't while the other was loosening his belt. I wrinkled my nose in disgust; humans honestly had no dignity, did they?

"I suggest you leave the nice lady alone, boys," I crowed, folding my arms.

All three pairs of eyes turned to me. Anita's eyebrows rose and she gave a muffled 'mmmmvehh' from under the first man's hand, while the two guys stared at me, looking mostly confused. Like they really hadn't expected to be interrupted.

"Buzz off, shrimp," the one holding Anita spat. I felt a stab of indignation, and tried my best not to realize that's probably how the pipsqueak felt every time somebody commented on his height.

They were taller than me, though. And I really didn't feel like going Unleashed right here, right now… Oh well; since when did height stop me?

"Why don't you buzz off?" I shot back, swaggering closer. "Then we can all go home unscathed."

The second guy forgot about his belt and swung an arm. Metal glinted in the moon's light. A loud _bang_ echoed through the alley. I felt my skull cave in, felt blood behind my eyes, in my nose and mouth, and everything went back. Anita shrieked.

_3… 2… 1…_

"Oohhhhh…" I groaned, pushing myself to my hands and knees while red sparks crackled around my head.

How long was I out? I supposed that would depend on the damage done, but I was really ticked now. At the same time, the utter disregard to their own personal safety that the goons displayed while intoxicated was most amusing indeed. At that, I found myself sniggering uncontrollably.

The men, who'd moved in on their prey by now, jumped away from her if only to distance themselves from my regenerating self, their faces the very image of shock and horror. As my head reconstructed itself, I sat back on my heels and laughed.

"That was a pretty good cheap shot," I cackled, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. "I almost forgot where I was for a minute; that automail caught me off guard. Thanks for _reminding _me."

They blinked, and I jumped forward and latched onto Belt's automail arm. Before he could even gasp in terror, I coiled my spine, twisted myself around, and wrenched the appendage clean off with the sound of tearing metal and snapping wires. The guy cried out in surprise.

Without hesitating, I spun around and slapped him across the face with his own arm. The last look of fright on his face just before he was on his back unconscious made me laugh harder.

"Doesn't feel so good, does it." Resting the arm on my shoulder like a rifle, I turned to level a sly look at the remaining offender, who stared at me like I was some sort of ghost or something and then turned tail and ran, whimpering like a little girl.

I snickered after him. "HA! You humans never put up much of a fight! I don't know how I haven't died of boredom yet!"

As he disappeared into the dark, the street fell silent again, except for Anita's barely-contained breathing. She sounded like she was treading the line between trying to steady herself and hyperventilating. Slowly, carefully, she inched toward me, while I just smirked at her, letting her take her time to soak it all in. Humans took such a long time to-

"THE HECK!?" The automail arm was snatched from my hands, and swung through the air before I had the chance to react.

_C-LANK!_

"Ow-ow-ow-ow-OW!" I howled, massaging my scalp, where a nice gooseegg formed before my regeneration kicked in. "What was that for, you crazy lady?"

"What were you thinking!? You could've killed them!" she blared, dropping the arm into the dust.

"DID YOU FORGET WHAT THEY WERE ABOUT TO DO TO YOU, HUH?"

Her hair might as well have been flames on her matchstick head, and she clenched her fists at her sides, fuming. "What are you doing here, anyway!? First you accept my invitation to dinner, then you DESTROY MY HOUSE, and now you _rescue_ me!? WHAT SORT OF MIXED UP PSYCHO ARE YOU!?"

"I'M ENVY THE HOMUNCULUS!" I growled back. That usually explained everything, those four little words.

"The heck does that have to do with anything!? That doesn't excuse your behavior!"

"Actually, it usually does." I folded my arms over my chest, leaning back on my heels as I spoke matter-of-factly. "If you knew what it meant, it most definitely would."

"Well, I don't, so it doesn't clear up anything for me."

"Too bad for you, Miss Uninformed."

She reached for the automail again, and I jumped a good four paces away from her. Yeah, I know I can regenerate and there have been lots of times I'm grateful for that, but still. Just because I can heal myself doesn't mean I don't feel pain. And I'd already been whacked over the head twice tonight. With the same dang arm.

"Who are you?" she uttered darkly.

"Hmph." I planted my hands on my hips, tossing some strands of my hair out of my eyes. "I already told you."

"No, you told me what your name was."

"Pssh, same difference! It means the same thing!"

"No it doesn't! I don't judge people by names; I judge them by actions."

"Well, then, I'm the psychopathic monster that destroyed your house just as you were about to get evicted."

"_Current_ actions." She glowered at me.

I sighed heavily; humans, humans, humans… Make up your minds! "Fine, then I'm the guy who just saved your innocence."

"That's long past saving, homunculus."

I waved a flippant hand at her, and then pretended to examine my nails out of boredom. Actually, they were getting a little overgrown, come to think of it… "Whatever. Geez, can't you make up your mind?"

"Not when it seems like you can't."

"Oh? And how's that?"

"Like I said. It seems like you can't decide whether you're good or bad."

A low chuckle escaped me. "Good or bad; as if I could be limited to the black and whites you humans tend to go by. No, you see, I don't fall into one side or the other; I look solely out for numero uno. That's the way of the wild, survival of the fittest." Of course, the fittest being moi and my fellow homunculi and father. But she didn't need to know that much detail, seeing as she was nice and ignorant in relation to our plans, just like all good little humans should be.

"I do what it takes to keep myself comfortable and entertained," I finished, grinning madly at her, watching for unsettlement to show in her eyes.

None came. Her eyes, bright and wary, narrowed at me. "You might have just let them have me and sat back to watch, then."

Grin falling away, I made a face and mock-gagged. "I said entertained, not disgusted. Humans like that lack dignity of any kind, and it makes me sick to my stomach."

"Humans like that?" She raised an eyebrow. "You specified that time; why not say just 'humans', since you seem against us in any shape or form."

Hmm… Why had I specified? I really didn't notice. I don't usually pay that much attention to what comes out of my mouth unless I'm purposefully trying to manipulate someone or something.

I shrugged, coming up with an excuse on the spot. "There's humans like them, and then there's humans like you and the Fullmetal pipsqueak. You guys are just weird. It makes things interesting."

"Why?" she said through gritted teeth.

"Because you guys think you have a superior set of morals, some sort of unspoken code you try not to break, and it's really amusing to watch you try. And fail. And try again. It's so pointless, as noble as it seems, and yet so _interesting_."

Anita took a deep breath and let it out slowly, closing her eyes. I smiled smugly to myself, knowing I had won.

"You know, you had better learn a little more about people as individuals before you decide what stereotype to classify them in. You can't just stick us all in a mental box and label it 'Humanity'; you might find you don't hate humans as much as you think you do."

Oh, she thought she knew so much, huh? I gave a short laugh. "But hating humans is so much more _fun_."

"So you'd rather remain ignorant and continue to hate for no particular reason?" She hacked a dry laugh. "And you call me 'uninformed'. But whatever. To each idiot their own."

"HEY, WHO YOU CALLING IDIOT, IDIOT!?"

Shaking her head, she turned back toward the bar, and I was reminded of where we were. The raucous sounds coming from inside suddenly seemed very loud.

"Make up your mind who you're gonna be. Otherwise, leave me alone." She stooped to pick up the bottle of syrup or whatever it is she had grabbed from the neighboring shop before moving toward the door.

I huffed, scowling. "If that's all the thanks I'm gonna get, I'll just let you get violated next time."

She paused, her hand on the old-fashioned swinging door panels. Then, without glancing back, I heard her mutter under her breath. "Thanks." Then she disappeared into the rowdy establishment.

Ha. Victorious again. I was Envy the Undefeated. Smirking to myself, I chortled quietly as the stillness of the night swallowed me up. "No problem, silly little human… No problem at all."

With that, I took to the rooftops, and went in search of some shop or other that I could vandalize.

* * *

_*Points to you if you get this reference (BBC Sherlock)!_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Shout-out again to my loverly reviwers, RoseGranger, justareader10, and Kasani! I'm glad you're enjoying the story! A thank you as well to all those who Followed and/or Favorited this fic, and I hope you continue to stay tuned. Also, if you have the time, drop me a review! I love getting feedback. :)**

**As for this chappie, it's a bit more like a filler... not much happens, but I'm really trying to get this thing going and directing it in a Beauty and the Beast sort of direction, here. I wrote it in a rush, so it's probably not the best. Any comments or suggestions would be wonderfully appreciated!**

**What do you all think of Anita so far? As an OC, and as a character in general? What about Christian? First impressions on Gunther? I'm not sure how big a part he's gonna play in all this... I had briefly toyed with the idea of having Roy in his stead, but Roy's a little busy in Central at the moment...**

**Anyway. Thanks all, and enjoy! **

**~Penelope**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

You know what's really fun?

Playing with human emotions. There is nothing like it, the sensation of metaphorically reaching through that flesh and bone shell into the abstract core of their beings and tugging random strings to make them sing with agony. It's amazing really, how quickly their emotions can be pushed up and down, up and down, like a pump, flying high one minute, plunging low the next. It's pathetic, really.

And what human is more emotional than an innocent little child?

That little squirt Christian, he couldn't stop crying after that day I so gracefully unveiled my true self. That is, until an adorable little black cat showed up outside his apartment while Mother Dear was at work. Then, voila, suddenly he sweeps it into his suite and he's all smiles again. No matter that that little black kitty happened to be yours truly in disguise.

And you know what I pulled during the nights that the kid was especially pitiful? I used my oh-so-wonderful skills to create the ghostly image of an ethereal woman all in white, just like in that little tune he hung on. And I soon learned the song well enough to even sing a little to him. It had a dual purpose: it got him to fall asleep faster, which also meant he'd quit crying and shut up, _and _I got the giddy euphoria of seeing a stupid human child be so trusting as to not question the appearance of a strange woman in his room and not even tell his mother about it.

So I ended up sticking around longer than expected.

Can you blame me? This pathetic excuse for a family was screwed up; how could I resist sticking around? The others wouldn't miss me; they could handle the plan just fine. Besides, nobody really missed me anyway. It was just one of the joys of being me. I could slip away whenever I wished, and nobody ever complained… usually.

I had to admit the littler pipsqueak hid me as well as a four-year-old can hide a cat in a single room suite. I was nice when he wanted me to stay hidden, kept signs of my presence to a minimum. Couldn't have his mother finding me and getting suspicious; she actually seemed sharper than a lot of humans. I couldn't risk her finding the appearance of a black cat so soon after my last interference coincidental.

Especially now. The Elrics had left*, so technically, I wasn't even supposed to be here.

Come to think of it, I couldn't stick around for much longer… It'd been weeks since I knocked off that nosy Hughes guy back in Central. Father'd be ticked if he had a new assignment for me and ended up having to send somebody here to get me. And Father ticked off was the last thing I wanted to deal with.

So it was just my insane fortune that not long after the whole landlord deal, a young guy with dark hair dressed up in a monkey suit showed up at the suite door in the morning. Unaware of my cat-self effectively hidden under Christian's trundle, Anita had dragged herself out of bed, not exactly looking her best with her matted ringlets and rumpled nightgown. She must've really not cared about what she looked like – the Fuhrer himself could be behind that door, and she was gonna answer it anyway.

The guy pretended not to notice, and strode into the apartment like he owned it.

"It's been a while, Anita," he said, making himself comfortable at her table.

"Miss Falk." Anita didn't look too thrilled, rubbing her temples like she had a headache. "It was a nice break, Gunther; I wasn't complaining."

"Aw, why so cold?" the guy called Gunther – I had to force myself not to snicker – faked a pout, propping his elbows on the table and resting his chin on his steepled fingers. "We were so close."

"'Were' being the key word," she deadpanned.

"I heard that my girl was in trouble; is it so bad that I came to her rescue?"

Anita snorted, shaking her head as Christian came over to her, clinging to her side like always. "What do you want? I have better things to do today that rehash things out with ancient history."

Gunther eyed Christian. "Ancient history? Sure."

Ahhh, this was the father. That made sense. No wonder he wasn't around. Er, hadn't been around. Creep. Reminded me of Greed.

"I have a proposition for you, _Miss Falk_." Gunther switched into business mode, acting like he was giving some kind of pitch. "You and the kid are really my responsibility, and I feel like I've neglected you enough. You're obviously in dire financial straits, and this proposition would greatly benefit you."

Anita spoke my thoughts even as I thought them. "Just spit it out."

"I think you should marry me."

Anita actually choked on her breath, sputtering and staring at the guy with wide eyes. "…Are you serious?"

"If I was married, the military would raise my salary, and there'd be plenty to take care of the three of us."

"So you want to marry me so you can get a bonus to your paycheck."

Gunther ignored her like he hadn't heard her. "And in Central, nobody knows of your… past dealings. And your military heritage would be appreciated as well."

Youch. This guy was going at her with both barrels loaded.

She frowned, absently stroking her kid's hair. "You think you can blackmail me into marrying you? I know you, Gunther; all you really want is the bonus and having a trophy wife to support your public image."

"I'm trying to help you, Anita. Pressure's rising in Central, but it's still the strongest city in the country. You can't hide here forever."

"It's been working fine!" she spat back

"You ungrateful…" Gunther shot to his feet, slamming his hands down on the table hard enough to make Christian jump before he sucked in a deep breath through his teeth. His dark eyes shifted down toward the kid clinging to his mother's side, and they narrowed. "If I can't have you, the kid is still half mine. I'll take you to court if I need to."

"You really want your buddies in blue to find out about your shady personal life?" Anita raised an eyebrow.

"The pros outweigh the cons," he admitted with a professional tug at his lapels.

"Right, 'cause you'll look like the chivalrous gentleman willing to own his mistakes and make things right, while I'll still be the soiled dove and he'll still be the child who never should have happened." She hugged the kid closer.

All right, you know what? This drama was starting to get old. I had to keep from sighing. Boredom threatened to drive me into doing something stupid. Thankfully, Gunther was making his way toward the door. Good. Bye-bye, creepy guy.

…Sometimes, I wonder if I should _not_ call humans names that throw irony back at me. Oh well.

"A kid needs a dad, Anita. I'm not so stupid that I don't know that. The court would be in my favor, and I'm on good terms with people in high places. Or, you could do this the easy way and just accept like I'm fairly sure you will." Arrogant smart mouth. "Either way, I'll see you in Central Saturday. There's a train leaving that morning at 0-nine-hundred, and that gives you two days to make your decision. I trust you'll make the right one." With a curt nod, he just left. Just like that.

Jerk.

"Mommy, who was that?" Christian squeaked up to his mother.

Anita sighed heavily, scowling at the door. "Nobody important."

Stifling a yawn, I crawled out from under the trundle and did a few cat stretches. Casually digging my claws into the floorboards, I didn't pay the humans any attention until I heard the kid gasp.

"Mommy…" he started.

"Christian… why is there a cat in our apartment?"

Oops. Silly me. Well, that was stupid… Or was it? Maybe I didn't care anymore. Maybe I wanted her to see me. And she still thought I was just a cat, so that was just fine.

"I found him, Mommy," said Christian, coming over and leaning down to pick me up. Oh, seriously, this kid… You don't understand how much self-control it took to not claw his stupid moe eyes out. "He's my friend; can we keep him?"

Friend? Ha, the kid had no idea who he was talking about. Neither did the lady, who stared at me for the longest time before sighing again and rubbing her temples like before.

"You know what? Fine. I don't care. As long as you take care of him, and he doesn't get in the way."

Oh, but getting in the way was one of my specialties! I couldn't just ignore the impulse when it arose. And I got the distinct feeling that arise it would, and soon. Call it a hunch, but soon, we'd be heading to Central, and that's where all the exciting stuff happened.

Really. That was how the plot worked so far. Somebody just said 'Central' and things got serious.

It was a win-win. I got a free ride back to the capitol to report, and then got some more entertainment to enjoy. It was like a soap opera, and I was the audience. All I needed was some popcorn and a good seat…

* * *

_*This is roughly after Ed and Al meet Ling, Lan Fan, and Fu in Rush Valley. Some details may be a little screwed, but it's been a little hard to get a handle on the exact timeline... It never clarified what Envy was doing at that time, right? I watched the whole show, but it's already started to bleed together like ink on wet paper, so... if you have any help to offer, feel free. I could use it. XP_


End file.
